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Confessions of a Depressed Black Christian Woman
Growing up, I don’t remember ever having conversations around mental health. I was raised in a culture where many believed depression was a “white person problem” and you must not have enough faith in God to fight off the spirit of depression.
For years I carried around a sadness that I knew was not normal. It was heavy, hopeless, and draining. I had reached my breaking point, so at the age of 28 I walked into a therapist’s office, sat down on the couch and said…
I am a Black Christian woman who suffers from depression and anxiety.
(Ok side note. Yes I am this dramatic and yes that was my way of trying to control the situation.)
Today the topic of depression is not as shunned by the Black Christian community, but when I made the decision to speak openly about my mental health in 2015 I was flooded with unsolicited “well meaning” messages advising to just take some time to rest, think positively to make the evil spirit of depression disappear, and pray.
I took the rest day but I was anxious the whole time. I said all the affirmations but my world was still dark. Most importantly, I prayed and prayed and prayed. And God said no. I won’t pretend like I wasn’t devastated and confused. I was taught that God answers all prayers but no one told me that no could be an answer! I felt bamboozled. While searching for an answer through a devotion, God led me to 2 Corinthians.
“Even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
From a biblical perspective, a thorn in the flesh is an affliction given by God and can be viewed as a form of weakness. Depression is my thorn and it’s disabling. So often I have felt alone and weak until God reminded me that his “No” also comes with His strength. So I changed my prayers and began to work with my therapist to identify resources to cultivate a routine to aid in managing my depression.
Click each of my routines to learn more.
Therapy
Therapy is not just for “crazy” people. We all need therapy! Your friends are not therapists. Sometimes your pastor is not your therapist. I am a strong advocate for seeking professional counsel who understand the medical side of mental illness. There are Christian therapists who use the word of God to give practical tools to assist with managing depression and anxiety.
Therapy Resources
Devotion
When I was first diagnosed I knew that I wanted to tackle this illness from a Godly perspective. I ran to the word of God and devotions on the Bible App to help me understand depression from a biblical aspect. While you will rarely find the word depression in the Bible, there are various stories about godly and influential men and women who battled through dark times of hopelessness. This was comforting as many would express to me that depression was a “worldly illness”. No seriously, someone said this to me.
Favorite Devotions
Yoga/Meditation
The first thing I learned in yoga was how to breathe. Pranayama (breathwork) has played an integral role in managing my anxious moments on and off the mat. My anxiety is caused mainly by raging thoughts of doubt, shame, regret, and worry. When I begin to focus on my breath and find intentionality with my inhales and exhales, I am able to carpentalize the truth of God from the lies of the enemy. My anxiety ceases when I make the decision to believe the truth.
Christian Yoga & Meditation
This is often a controversial topic. Check out take on Christian Yoga & Meditation.
Music
Music heals the soul! Whether it’s my favorite gospel artist Travis Greene, Bob Marley, or a DNice IG live mix, music has always had a way to speak to my heart. Music has also helped me during my times of insomnia. I put on an instrumental gospel playlist to refocus on God and drift to sleep.
Favorite Spotify Playlist
Favorite DJs to follow on IG
Journaling
I have never considered myself a writer (Chris Brown voice: Look at my now) but I LOVE journaling. I also love any excuse to buy a new journal! The majority of my journals are used to write all my feelings to God. And I don’t hold back! As I continue to learn to express my feelings outwardly, my journal is my safe space to commune with God. It is also a great practice to reread your journal to see how many prayers have been answered and tests have been passed!
Journal Prompts
I love to search Pinterest for Journal Prompts related to depression.
Community
We are not meant to do life alone. I have shared my experiences and triggers with my loved ones. It’s also important that they understand the most effective way to support me and not try to “fix me”. When I send a message that my world is dark, my community supports me by ensuring that I eat, reminding me of God’s promises, praying on my behalf, or simply coming over to lay with me.
Find a Support Group
Medication
Yes medication. Year 3 is when my therapist and I made the decision to begin taking antidepressants. It was not an easy decision but once I started to understand depression from a medical point of view I accepted that in this season I needed the medication to help with regulating my mind.
When people tell me I don’t need my medicine, I ask if they would ever tell someone with high blood pressure or cancer to not take their medicine. We have to start treating mental illness with the same respect as physical health.
Suggestion
I will always recommend consistent therapy for at least a year before turning to medication. Consult with your therapist and primary doctor first to ensure that medication is right for you and your illness.
I have not been healed of depression but I have been healed of the stigma that was placed on me due to my illness. It took a while to receive, but God began to reveal to me that my suffrage with depression would be used for His glory. He continues to remind me of the power of testimony and sharing your weakness with the world free from shame.
In place of healing, God has used this illness to shine His light through me. With God’s grace, strength, and amazing resources I am now able to see his goodness within my dark moments.
By God’s grace I have found a Christian therapist who supports me and provides practical tools to implement daily.
By God’s grace I am able to afford my antidepressant medication and be free from shame.
By God’s grace, when my world is dark (because it still gets dark), He patiently waits until I am ready to turn to the light.
By God’s grace I openly share my struggles in hopes that someone will be released from suffering.
I am a Black Christian woman who suffers from depression and anxiety, and God still loves me. Here is the best part. If you are a Black Christian woman/man who suffers from depression, God still loves you! I pray that you are released from any shame surrounding mental illness and that you tap into God’s strength as he leads you down your specific path of healing.
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